the last word

where have you been?

conversation between paramecium and human

paramecium

h: Where have you been?
p: Where have you been? I've been here. In this dish. The whole time.
h: We haven't spoken since book 7. I think we were edited out.

[editor's note] Now hold on just a minute.
I was under pressure from the publisher to wrap things up.
I tried to end this project way back in book 9 with that flying saucer scene.

p: Why do you always talk to us from that rectangular gray box?

[editor's note] How come you swim in a dish?
Hold on... I think I can push down the walls with my feet.
arrrrgh. pop.

e: There I'm out. Hey what's that smell?
h: I think its you. When's the last time you showered?
e: I can edit out that remark.
p: Is this the 900th story?
e: Yes it is.
h: So what happened after the ending?
e: You know what happened.
p: When the flying saucer took off, the wind blew, scattering seeds in every direction.
e: I tried to gather them up but they grew too fast, mutating, evolving, devolving. And then the accident.
h: What accident?
e: I left the door open. The stories got out of the book. They found other stories.
p: So they started writing themselves? Why are you shaking like that?
e: What do you mean why am I shaking? For all we know there could be 9 million stories by now.
h: That would dilute the original shareholders' equity.
p: I've been in ponds with billions of microbes. Its not so bad.
e: You weren't responsible for editing them.
h: Lets get out of here. I'm hungry.
e: I suppose. What else is there to do?
p: How about a juicy delicious bacteria?