how to talk like a scientist

If you're a redneck, pot smoking, white trash kind of woman, here's a program you might consider. An intensive three-week course at Princeton University will help you talk and look like a scientist. This total immersion therapy is offered by the physics department and accredited by NAPA.*

first, the look

black rimmed glasses
mousey hippie hair
low-cut lab coat
opaque stockings
Converse hi-tops

talk the talk

Redneck phrases like: see-ya and yep are eliminated via hypnosis/reward therapy. Think "My Fair Lady". Redneck reverse Internet translators (RRIP) pinpoint and neutralize bad speech patterns. Male models, posing as physicists, coach students in one-on-one sessions. The goal is to develop speech patterns akin to the abstracts in the Journal of Eukaryotic Microbiology.

*national association of pickup artists

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4-11/21